Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
