I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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