Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
