I'm eating all of the evidence.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
