4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
