so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
