I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
