Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
