I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
