'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
