You can't motorboat a personality
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you had me at cake vodka
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
