I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
