he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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