stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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