I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
