Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
