Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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