I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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