my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
