i think i have two assholes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
