I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
