I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
