Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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