if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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