Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
