So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
