Define "chronic" masturbator.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
