grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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