Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
