I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My balls are so social today.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
