there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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