i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
