my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
