i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
