I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
