Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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