I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
