Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
