I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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