just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
