Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
MIDGETS
????
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
