Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
