She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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