i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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