it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
