I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
