I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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