I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
