This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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