I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
