so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
