dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
