We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
