she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
