Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
